Feline diabetes is, at best, an unpredictable disease. There's a saying on FDMB that "every cat is different," meaning that the way MY cat responds to insulin (or food, or the vet, or anything else) is different from how the diabetic cat down the street will respond to the same things.
In my house the saying is more like "every day is different." The cat doesn't vary, but everything else sure as hell does. I can never predict what Isabella's blood sugar will be at any given time. Same dose - different response. Full moon? New moon? Doesn't like the color of the curtains? What?????
Who knows? Not me, that's for sure.
That's why I present my ideas for Cat 2.0, a diabetic cat with all the helpful features their people would like to see, plus a few extras thrown in just for convenience.
Dry Food Aversion: Cat 2.0 will, upon becoming diabetic, develop an aversion to all dry food, except as needed to treat a hypoglycemic event.
Ears: Cat 2.0 will come equipped with ears that, when poked with a lancet, readily produce a suitably-sized bead of blood. Ears will also be resistant to bruising and scabbing.
Food Preferences: Cat 2.0 will instinctively understand that his person providing the best food available within the household budget parameters. The Cat will still demonstrate varietal preferences, but will never refuse food outright, unless frankly ill.
Hypoglycemia Alerting System: Cat 2.0 will come equipped with a signaling system to be used in case of hypoglycemia. The signal will not vary from Cat to Cat and will be used only when blood glucose is threatening to reach a dangerous low point, requiring attention and possible intervention from the cat's person. The signal will not be frivolously employed in the middle of the night just to see what happens. (Ahem...Isabella.)
Insulin Requirements: All Cats produced under version 2.0 will respond appropriately* to insulin as follows:
- Blood Glucose under 150: No insulin needed until next scheduled injection
- 151 - 200: 0.5 units
- 201 - 250: 1.0 units
- 251 - 300: 1.5 units
- 301 and up: 2.0 unit
*An appropriate response to insulin is defined as a 12-hour inverse curve with a peak time depending upon the insulin type. See Insulin Response for more information.
Insulin Response: Cat 2.0 will respond in a consistent manner, according to insulin type, as follows:
- R: Peak at +2; slow rise until +12
- N, NPH, Caninsulin: peak at +4; slow rise until +12
- PZI, Lantus, Levimir: peak at +6, gradual rise to +12
This predictability allows Cat 2.0's people to readily schedule injections and eliminates the need to test BG repeatedly to determine when the rise begins.
Pancreatic Activity: The pancreas installed in Cat 2.0 will never sputter. It will either work or it won't.
Cement Booties: Cat 2.0 will never gather spare litter on its paws. Cement booties are not sized to fit this cat.
Testing Collaboration: Cat version 2.0 will be a willing partner in matters of blood glucose testing. The Cat will demonstrate patience with people newly learning to test and will sit or lie cooperatively during the entire process. Testing Cat 2.0 will not require the use of the Vulcan Ear Grip, Blanket Burrito, or protective clothing of any kind.
Head-Shake Suppression System: As an adjunct to the Testing Collaboration feature, Cat 2.0 will come equipped with a Head Shake Suppression System which is automatically activated during the Testing procedure.
And while I'm at it, how about one additional feature not related to diabetes, but still very desirable:Vomit Aiming: Cat 2.0 will consistently deposit all vomit (regardless of cause) only upon durable, easy-to-clean surfaces such as tile, vinyl, or linoleum flooring. No vomit will land on carpets, rugs, beds, or furniture of any type. Middle-of-the-night vomit will not be deposited in areas trafficked by bare feet.
And there you have it - my blueprint for a better diabetic cat. Until Cat 2.0 becomes available, I'll just have to make do with my old buggy and bitchy model.
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